Elucidating Questions

People who are in pain often tell me they’re in a bad mood or rude because of it

And I always tell them it makes sense

But the amount of pain I have to be in to become unpersonable is like

I can’t hear you, the pain is louder, and every other stimuli is actually adding to the pain and I can’t think because of it

And I always wonder what level of pain they’re talking about that makes them rude.

Heck I worked for an hour through one of my pain attacks

I wonder what level of pain they think excuses being rude to people

I’m rarely rude

When I am I apologise for it immediately

Pain certainly does put you on edge

It does make you quicker to react

I’ve a measure of control over this

A measure, though, I don’t claim to have mastered this aspect of my pain

I do go on the defensive

Maybe that’s what they mean

But I’m not the type of person to say mean things

It takes pushing me to bring out that side

I wonder if that’s what they mean by pain mindfulness?

Still being in pain but just not letting anyone in on it

Mindfulness of how telling people you’re in pain alienates them for some reason so don’t let them know

I have yet to even hear back from this pain clinic for the first time I was referred there

Apparently there’s no real urgency

Because if I’m alive I’ll be in pain when they get to me and if I’m dead they don’t have to deal with me?

Pain sucks

I understand why someone would be short fused and irritable

I just wonder where their line is and where mine is

Am I not irritable because I know I couldn’t get away with it?

Or do I genuinely not want people involved in my pain so I mask it more?

Maybe people get irritable because they don’t know how to voice what they need?

I can’t voice what I need so I just accept it

No one would help me anyways

It’s raining and my general ache is pretty bad right now

If I have a choice not to interact with people on days like this I take it

Because it’s more exhausting having to care for others needs without mine being met

I wish I could remember what entirely pain free feels like

Moving without the lead feeling in my body

Don’t know how to get there again

I wonder when it will be acceptable for me to be in a bad mood?