Elucidating Questions

I’m still stuck on those last seconds

Whether I made the right choice

I didn’t want that for her

Didn’t want her to die in fear

But I didn’t want her to die in pain either

Holding something’s life or death in my hands

A nightmare

How it must feel to be holding every life

There’s no right choice is there?

No better

The outcome is awful

The process is awful

Our beloved animals that we’ve bred into genetic oblivion

I had been hoping she’d be the outlier

7 or 8 years

Sending something to the thing that terrifies me

That fascinates me

Never wanted to say goodbye

Entertained the idea of dying before her

Couldn’t now

Terrified

Gone somewhere I cannot reach

That I desperately want to be

Won’t give them back

But how do I reach them without it fading away?

Those moments the grief takes hold

When I count four instead of five

It’ll shrink to nothing

Change is so hard

Growing old without my precious family

I wish I could bring them with me in places other than dreams

I’m going to be entirely alone, in terms of people, eventually

How will I fill my life with small beings if the goodbye is so hard?

I’m not good at love

That’s the whole point of the exercise right?

I’m no good at it

But the animals

As awful as I am at it, I try

They’re precious to me

My only source of socialisation that isn’t online

I’ve learned so much from them

These days living in the after quakes

Where it’s almost like I forget and then am reminded

I don’t want to forget

I don’t want to exist in a state of the pain of absence

I know that

How do I never forget and never miss her?

My sweet girl

If I miss you into the night

Do you hear me where you are?

Can you tell my other girls I miss them all so much?

Or just the entire collection of dead pets I’ve amassed

I can’t remember you all at once

But I love you all

I miss you