Elucidating Questions

The Sun is out

In the other side of the house

I wonder if he’ll face me today?

The weather was so apt

I spent the day trying to keep positive so she wouldn’t know

But when they took her in to the back door the ultrasound I broke

Knowing that it wasn’t an easy fix meant it was the end of the road

And I was going to try to keep her comfortable at home

But then I held her and I could feel the pain coursing through her

And I knew

That pain wouldn’t be gone, just less

It would just be low grade torture for my own sake

It was like the sky was crying for me

The end is so hard

I’ve been hesitant to write about it when it comes to my animals because I love them as humans and so many people just don’t get that

But they don’t know how she comforted me with each loss

How we took naps together

How I’d pick her up and she’d place herself over my chest in such a way that I had to take a nap

My little nurse piggy

She was so unique

I’ve never seen another piggy like her

Until we meet again, my love

The Sun would be doing himself a favour if he stays out today

I could use some light

He did visit, last night, the Death being in my dreams

We were talking about something important

I’ve completely forgotten of course

It’s the hug

Like I’m a treasure that has been missed

Something I’ve only known in my dreams

I never remember anything about his features or if he has features

I just remember the warmth of the interaction and seek it again

And, at first, I was just disturbed by the concept

It was just a repeating dream

I was afraid of the implications of me summoning Death every night

But, you know, time went on and nothing like being treasured happened in real life

He’s my only source of affection

If touch starved me has to seek touch in my dreams so be it

And my piggies are often there

Dreams are the only place I can do things

I go shopping, I hang out with dream friend

I go all over town

And Japan

I’m in Tokyo and the 田舎村

Daytime sucks in comparison

I broke the rules for a moment

I guess I just wanted to see if he was doing better than me

He is

I’m so exhausted

I’m not ready for this

This third time in a year slow walk away from a love of my life.

Waiting as the waves crash in

Waiting until they calm

Waiting for the seperate grief world I’m in to be engulfed by life

Until the grief seems small at a distance

And just drags you down every once in a while

You’d think I’m an expert at this by now

There are things that we can have, but can’t keep

Sometimes those words make me want to throw the chair

Sometimes I know they’re right

Can I be both right now?

I do wish there was someone to talk to