Elucidating Questions

I feel so restless

Like I’m supposed to be doing something

But there’s nothing specific to do

I feel like I’m running out of time sometimes

Those moments that grab me from behind

I don’t know why my mind reminds me

I could live ignorant of that one fact

This human condition of knowing it comes

And that time is wasting

That I’m no closer to my dream than I ever was

Unattainable

Why did I choose this dream?

Now, dreamless

Only the night’s stories to entertain me

The daylight doesn’t show an image

No, rather, it shows the absence of an image

I am unsure where to go from here

You say no more wasted days?

What’s the alternative?

I’m glad you feel alive

But these days aren’t going anywhere

I’m just last place

I’m just always last place

A thought dismissed

I’m just a person you don’t think about

A ghost who ceases to exist when out of frame

This side character-ness

To miss my friends I’d have to have friends

To miss my love I’d have to have one

Why does the music feel accusatory today?

That’s better

Now the question is did I summon this song or did I sense it in the queue?

How do I get better at being me without practice?

I want to improve

But how do I do that?

I can improve my Japanese because I can practice it

You never gave me a chance to practice being me

I feel unfulfilled

I feel unutilized

Like I have potential I’m not reaching

Is this the death throes of grades and “not meeting expectations”?

If I can shake it

Can I finally stop feeling like it’s not enough?

It’s not enough

This life

Devices devices devices

I’m still right where I was

And I feel like

Like your solution is just to throw wasting time at me until I die

I feel so terrified that the end is coming because my life this far has been

So unfulfilling

I wish I could make a change

But what?

I wish I could chat with the village people and they’d tell me hints like in video games

I don’t know why I ran back here

Let me just hold reality away

Pretend for a second

It’s not even one I like that much

I want to sing

I miss the Sun

Six and down

Rude

I can’t look at things that I want and think I want that too

Because I’ve been taught some things aren’t for me

And usually love is one of those things

Affection shocks me

Knowing I’m on the mind of someone makes me want to cry

I can’t look at that and think I want it

Because no one said it was for me

It must be nice to visualise nice things for yourself

The only things I visualise are daymares of people doing and saying terrible things to me

Because apparently if it’s not really happening my brain has to prepare me for it

Did you catch the hitch?

Oh he’s back

It’s another one of the ones I don’t really like

You underestimate forever

Now now

We’re not doing that anymore

I said I’d do it

But I lied I guess

It’s nice that it worked out though

だってさー自分に関係ない

Oh hahaha my Time reference came back

What are you, a dog?

I throw it out there and you bring it back

I don’t know why this happens

I’ve thought

Echo? Ripple?

Surely it can’t be me just knowing things

I’d have less time to find ripples in Time if I had someone to talk to

I wish I could be part of the world

Even though it’s terrible

I still want to be accepted

But that may be another thing that’s not for me

It could be I’m just not meant to know anyone but my own mind slowly wasting away

I just wish

Someone would tell me

Is this it?

Is all my life going to be the carrot of connection baiting me forward into more solitude?

Death can’t be that bad

But if that’s all you’re dragging me along to meet

I might as well just go straight to him, no?