Elucidating Questions

Name change paperwork submitted

14 weeks

That works out to exactly the new year

Funny things that just so happen to work that way

New year, finally me

I’m excited, in an impatient,

Can’t wait that long, kind of way

All this I’m doing on my own

No celebrations with friends

No real acknowledgment beside this

The rain makes me sleepy

But I gave myself too much time to do this errand so I’m sitting, waiting

I have so much to do

In a good way

Entertained

With more waiting for later

It’s a different world right now

Only because I can get by

It feels really fake sometimes

Like I’m watching the amount in my account go down

I know it comes to an end

Am I allowed to enjoy this reprieve?

Knowing this is temporary?

I’ve accomplished a lot in the past few weeks

I’ve been busy as hell

I need a few weeks to rest

Just have to get through today and tomorrow and then I can rest for a few days

I haven’t been sleeping

7 hours of sleep is as good as 2 hours of sleep was as a teen

Just wish I could have a say in what my mind forgets today

On the bus back we picked up someone who had been working for handydart who now needed it

The driver knew her and was chatting about her diagnosis and usage of the services

She said she wasn’t using the bus for anything but appointments because she felt guilty

I kind of interrupted

Told her she may be still at the point where she’s not ready to be “disabled” but regardless she is a valid, disabled, person, who needs the bus services

Told her not to get in her own way in terms of accessing things she needs

Told her not to cut off her access to socialisation when she needs it most

She said thank you

The bus driver told me I was good at putting things into words

I’m confused

Because I’m used to hearing I don’t do that

Used to hearing how bad I am at communication

She said I was an amazing person

I just saw someone who was going through the same things I was when I was first diagnosed

It took me until the second diagnosis to take myself seriously

Every time I see someone who’s diagnosis is new

I just want to scream そこまで行くな

Don’t go as far as me

Don’t push yourself until it’s worse and you don’t get a choice of pushing it anymore

Access the help you need

Don’t deny it because it hurts

And I know it hurts

Chopin

Historical man I randomly love

He is a good composer for I know it hurts

Beautiful

Moody

If it sounds like five people are playing the piano it’s Chopin

I always thought that was so funny

I don’t know if it’s allowed

It probably doesn’t matter

If I can reach out some warmth

I shouldn’t

But I just want him to be well

It’s not like I can just stop worrying

My heart screaming in its wraps

To the world I suppose

I do wish a better tomorrow for every being on Earth

Wish I could protect them all

Billions of children who think they’re adults

And billions of children

Who probably also think they’re adults they’re just not

Big yet

Whatever

Do the clouds reflect it?

Something fell as rain

Rain is an invention of Earth

Very interesting

Did the rain precede the life?

How long has rain fallen?

Sitting and watching the rain must be as ancient a tradition as there is for landers

I before E except after C except ANCIENT

Sorry

Fuck English!

No, seriously, sorry, I’m composed

Longer than words

What small animal watched the rain?

Did the dinosaurs?

People say listen to your heart

People say don’t

If I’m so amazing

Why am I alone?