Elucidating Questions

Who sees a happy ending and is plunged into loneliness and despair?

Well, me, apparently

It’s such a good happy ending

And I’ve seen it before, but for some reason I was still hoping it would be different

I wanted a bittersweet ending

I hate this

I hate that this is my reaction to happy love stories now

I ruined happy endings by not believing in them anymore

Now they feel like a personal slight

I don’t know why it’s my gut reaction

I’m immediately slightly disgusted when romances go well

And then I despair about the feeling

And how terribly lonely it makes me feel

Nothing can quell the part of me that feels like I’m being denied what I need and that everyone else is parading it around to spite me

And I hate that part of me so much

Storytellers haven’t done anything of the sort

Fantasy merely isn’t reality

Love doesn’t work like that

Magic doesn’t

I wanted a magic that would show him that I’m gone

Show him my absence

Pity

What else would that elicit?

I don’t want pity

But you waited too long Universe

I wouldn’t believe any love story written for me now anyways

You waited until I didn’t believe in anyone anymore

Anything

All these years begging for someone to see me

You’ve never sent me anyone I could trust enough to do that

And now I don’t believe that person exists

I yearn into the night

Fleeting moments of weakness

I know no one’s coming

That this is hell and I am damned to it

That my one wish in life would never be granted

I don’t cry from surprise I cry from bitter disappointment

Alone in the capitalistic desert

No one would find me even if I screamed

Love stories are for the worthy

That wasn’t an acceptable consolation prize

My life

What was it for, I wonder?