Elucidating Questions

I have been entertained today

Acquired a device that plays various games

Spent all day in nostalgia

Playing a game that my sister once bought because I liked a series of games so she liked it too

And wouldn’t let me play it

Well sometimes she would, others not

I never really got to enjoy it

And I had a moment just now

Sitting

Realising that I am recognising a dream of being in control of my space

Able to play what I want when I want

I finished very few games relative to how many I played as a young person

Minding the children always came first

Letting someone else have a turn always came first

So I played games I could walk away from instead

I stubbornly beat a few

But sitting there on my chair

Curled up playing my game without feeling self conscious that other people are watching me

No dad to ask in a condescending tone

Are you still playing that?

I’m free

But I feel like my ice castle all alone has run its course

I have had a decent day, besides the pain

But, it was manageable pain today

I found many treasures over my years and never completed them

The fact that I have time to now both excites and terrifies me

I don’t want my life to be some long run on gaming session

It feels good to take something back from my sister

As stupid and petty as that sounds

I gave up a lot over the years because I was constantly someone’s older sibling and never myself

Trying to seperate myself from her

I always felt like she was coming along to take things from me

Now it’s hard to say what was sibling issues on my side and when she actually was trying to take something from me

Because sometimes she was

But apparently young me gets a kick out of playing a game that she wouldn’t let me play when I wanted

Tiny liberations of the soul

Tiny deaths for other reasons

Are the sirens coming at the moment of it?

I swear I hear them

But I could be imagining it

My ears ringing filling in the silence between the sounds

How I am so many people and yet just me,

Confuses and troubles me

How they were all me but now they’re someone else who I carry with me in cracked memories

All me

But no longer

We share things

Some likes, dislikes

Further back memories

But they would not be me

And I am not them

We share that

That we are not eachother

And yet I have to treasure them, or no one else will

Which is a conundrum because I’ve always hated myself

And I wasn’t the best person, steeped in trauma my whole life

And, I guess, being a kid who didn’t know better

It’s hard to give myself graces I would eagerly lend another

I’ve always been searching for someone else to offer them to me

You know, like the teen love stories where they bring out the best in eachother

Watching things I watched as a kid, hoping for something like that

Knowing it’s too late

I 悩む

At least I have things to do

I’m not bored

Not much to say though

Though I guess I just said all that

Diving into the past

Somewhere he wasn’t I guess

But in this place where he isn’t, in the place where he either,

I wonder if I can finally rest some