Elucidating Questions

It’s so strange to feel okay

Heart tucked away

Best outcome

Maybe it was all just an exercise in knowing my heart is too much for this world

Maybe it was a lesson to keep it quiet

Silent

Don’t listen to your heart

What a lesson

Foolish thing that it is

It aches to think of

Trapped yet so near

Inside yet out

So sure

So wrong

And I am alone

I have online contacts

But my life is devoid of actual presence

There is no trusting something that led me here

Hell if I lived by my heart

I’d be an actual stalker

I’m obsessive

It’s probably the neurodivergence

That I get stuck on things

People

Probably also that I so rarely have things

But I’m okay

As usual I just tripped or something

Fell in a hole

Somehow I’m here

Every night I lost myself

Every day I tried to end

You would think taking an entire bottle of ibuprofen would do something

Especially since it was the third time and I didn’t go to the hospital to drink charcoal

Sanity says something something, internal biology, sorry liver

Insanity says Death is trying to avoid me while also being in my dreams every night

It’s all very confusing

What would I do without these questions?

I want to exist in a world where I can answer them

Or else be normal like everyone else

Visible

Invisible

Just less me, I guess

Trying to be normal made me miserable

Not being normal makes me miserable

It’s truly a mystery

So many mysteries

I remember an emotion

Upon hearing I’d never know the answers

Rage coupled with despair

A bitter taste

That was years ago

Some place

Some time

And I’ve grown more reserved

A weary sigh

I suppose not

But I’m okay

Somehow I keep going

I’m going to

And this is the worst outcome I could have imagined

But it’s better this way

It has to be

Made it out alive

Surviving

Not living

Still killing time until Time kills me with all my devices

It has to be

All’s well that ends well

Right?