Elucidating Questions

As I’m rewatching

Besides that thrill of glee that I understand the words

I’m thinking back to me

A young me who doesn’t know what they’re singing

The theme songs

And now I do know

Sung honestly

Didn’t know it was something I wanted

Still sang with all their heart

And now it’s out of my reach and the words feel

Stuck in me

Even though I join in singing

I don’t believe them

I believed them when I didn’t know what they meant

I was singing for someone

Some idea of someone

That idea is so far from me now

Was there supposed to be someone to love?

For me?

Did they die?

Did they leave me here on this god forsaken planet?

Alone?

Is that why Death won’t leave me alone but won’t face me?

Guilt?

I could love someone if they’d let me

I can’t love by myself

ただ残酷

That’s just how it is

And I’m apparently supposed to accept it

My only hope of finding someone

Already tried to kill me with said someone it found me

Oh you do expect me to do things that bring me only discomfort

Just overcome everything

Alone!

No

I’ll die alone before setting myself up for being killed again

You taunt me

You taunt me with your everyone else getting their perfect love story

I must have been a god who ensured people never saw happiness

I scrape it towards me

But it’s never real

I crave love

People run in the other direction

What more is there to say?

Just stop wanting to be loved and then someone will love you

Just stop needing something all humans need

Just stop

Why do you want me to be inhuman?

Why do you expect so much more from me?