Elucidating Questions

Back to apologising for my presence

A step back

Probably to be expected

A fall back

If I’m not singing it back

What am I doing?

Singing it out?

As ordered?

There’s so little to gain

And I am again ashamed

To have needs

To present them

Now I’m having a sugar crash

Alcohol will save me

I bought a TV

My last TV broke and then I got a really crappy second hand sound sucks…

Old ass fucking TV

I haven’t had a new TV in over 10 years

Kind of excited

Kind of ashamed for buying something

Wanting the things to be able to enjoy stuff

It wasn’t an expensive TV

It was the cheapest 1080p one I could find

If I remember correctly it’s cheaper than my last one

And yet I want to apologise for just existing

It’s so weird it’s like there’s a me that feels so ashamed for even existing and then a me that unapologetically does what is best for me

Thinking back to the me that wanted a TV but couldn’t have a nice one

Not even a decent one

This is like a reward for them

But of course, it’s finite

This age of rewarding my poor, stressed, trying too hard, mind

Is temporary

But shouldn’t I enjoy it while I can?

This consolation prize?

Sorry you can’t find love

Here’s some money

Queer fucking Universe

Worse than me

This place

What do I do to redeem myself?

What do I do to take my life into my own hands for once?

I wish I wasn’t ashamed of my own existence

Why does it never feel okay,

Even after they say it is?