Elucidating Questions

It’s become a thing now

I start humming a song

I wait

I know it’s coming

It came into my head so it will appear

The memories haven’t become kinder

It did appear

I’ll just crow it

If I was a good singer then things would have gone right for me

I wonder which one mistake broke my smile?

I wished for the strength to surpass the sky

I wanted it

Who to embrace in the quiet night?

But when could something like that happen?

My life ended at 32 with my second diagnosis

It’s just an unattainable strain on my life

It is better off this way

Empty

Full

That’s the way it should be

I dared tread in the lands of the gods

I want a drink

I got a drink

How do I imagine love?

Not for me

Love is for other people

Is the night going to be unbearable again?

Now I remember

Why do I know them in my dreams?

This is how it ends

With my mind haunting me with dreams forever more

Why do you think I’ve been laughing?

It’s funny right?

It’s a joke

As usual

I feel like it feeds off my suffering

That’s the word

Now you come out

It’s hard being bilingual

Ask for a word and brain’s like

Here’s some Japanese

You’re not even trying

You’re lucky you have me, brain

You’re determined to die and I’m determined to live

I told you it wasn’t dawn

I told you

I guess I’m a night dweller for life

The sun set and then didn’t come back

How many years will go by?

Or will it end like this in some medical emergency or accident?

You baited me this far

I ask this with the most insane smile I can manage

これからどうする？

Oh this thing that drags me forward

My light is somewhere I will never reach

I’m left in the dark on this path

I followed it so far

And now it’s gone