Elucidating Questions

Being alone

It’s awful

For the first little while it’s a reprieve from the noise

And then the noise is me

And I can’t escape it

Can’t escape me

How do I get away from myself?

Longing to talk to someone

Really talk

Live in a conversation for a while

Friends are great

I think

I had them once, but I was awful

At least I think I was

They’re all gone now

That’s all I really know

This silence

Where my ears are ringing

It’s only silent because I’m putting my thoughts down

Elsewise I’ll drown

There was hope before

That someone would see me

I wonder why I was so wrong?

So eternity, is it?

Mine

The money will run out and then I’ll be back to where I was

But now there will be no vague promises of tomorrow

I can’t imagine someone who would see me

It must be nice

To find a place to belong

What is that place like?

I don’t know what to do

If I’m alone, and this is my sentence in life

Ended up so alone I swallowed myself whole

Death is terrifying

The prospect of this never ending and then death just being death and then I am gone and there was just nothing

Sometimes the terror grips me

So this is it?

This is the life I apparently chose?

Tell me how in the hell I’m supposed to love myself for this?

憎い

The me that I am now deserves better than this

I don’t know what to say for any of the me’s in the past

This may be my sentence, but I deserved better than this

I deserved the life I envisioned

Even though bit by bit it has faded away before my eyes