Elucidating Questions

Desperation colours me in ways I do not enjoy

I do not like when I will do anything to survive

I do not enjoy the things I do

It’s much easier to exist when I don’t have to worry about anything

It doesn’t much matter who I am when who I am isn’t preventing me from surviving

I wish the dreams wouldn’t fade away

I feel like I tripped over one just then

Maybe my mind will write new ones

Somehow I have to just continue with this onward momentum

Without looking too close at the recent past when I had nothing

I feel like they’ve fallen there

When I reach the answer I always realise why there was no clear explanation

I curse how vague you all are

Surprises stress me out

And then I reach it and know knowing wouldn’t have helped

How I agonize while waiting

Life is

There isn’t a word

Chaotic and crazy and tragic and scary

And it is so hard to placate myself with past enjoyment as a reason to see the future

When weighing hard on me is the truth that I have to suffer until that unknown possible better day

And I still don’t know who, what, how,

I am

If I needed something to keep me busy

So that I wouldn’t get stuck on it

I can almost excuse all the bad behaviour over the last few months

Just desperately trying to seek a tomorrow that was different

The desperation

Rather I should be in awe of the continuance

Somehow I carried me here

Despite it

Despite the desperation

Thank you for every night that ended the same

That you didn’t give up

Somehow we are here

何と無く

Something and nothing

And, no, I don’t think it was “worth it”

That greatly diminishes and invalidates your pain all those days

All those years

Doesn’t acknowledge the temporary aspect of this moment

But you made it

Here we are

A moment of reprieve from the hell

A thank you to the past isn’t enough

Dancing in desperation

How do I let go of that pain?