Elucidating Questions

I wish I had a friend to talk to

I’m coming into some money

It’s the answer to my prayers

For a while anyways

But the vehicle?

This how my Uncle would want it

How my Aunt would want it as he was undoubtedly thinking when he wrote my Father into his will.

My Father now knows where I work

It’s the only neutral ground I could think of

And what am I going to owe him?

What is he going to expect of me?

The anxiety

I don’t know what to do

I want to scream and run away from this

I know he’s a small, frail, old man now

I know that

I know that but there’s a child me running down the stairs as fast as they can to get away from their dad swinging at them

“It was never meant to hit you”

Will you guide me?

Will you show me how to do this?

Do you understand that he is the crux of everything I fear?

He brings up everything

Everything I’ve tried so carefully to fit into this form

And then it’s bubbling to the surface and I am overflowing

Am I strong enough?

Surely you could have picked a better time?

Maybe not

Maybe not still reeling from the loss of my sister

The Sun has burned away all my fog

Will he be there to help me wash off the remains of interacting with him?

I could really use a friend

Someone to tell me that no matter how afraid my inner child is, I have the strength of the Sun within me

I can’t believe in myself yet

There are not enough people in this world who believe in me to prove that I am worth believing in

Maybe it is justice that the person unwittingly funding my tattoo is the person who lay the groundwork for the reason it’s being done

I don’t know what I will do

I don’t want to burden anyone with my past

I have to do this alone