Elucidating Questions

Just publish a book of poetry she said

To do that my poems would have to be worth something

All this nothingness that I am

No substance

Stringing words together hoping there’s a meaning

If it was any good, wouldn’t more people read it?

How am I supposed to convince people that my crap is worth throwing money at?

Laughter

See you’d say it’s not timed

Just someone somewhere laughing

But doesn’t the universe just time them to exact moment it punches me down further?

More laughter

You’re only proving my point

Why does everything

It’s so well timed

It’s not about me

Except it’s all about me

I’m sure that would go well

Me putting enough effort into making an entire book and then publishing it

Things just go so well for me

All the time

Can’t be more done than I am

Done trying

See what trying got me?

7 years in January, and it might as well be from November because that’s when the isolation started

Isolation like I’ve never known before

Poverty

The unending humiliation of begging for money from people because I can’t afford some thing I need

I’m going to run out of heart medication on Wednesday

I have no way of getting more because, besides not having enough for this month’s, I didn’t have enough for last month’s and told them I’d pay them in a week

And then blissfully forgot until it was too late

So now I owe 2 months of heart medication

So that’s a funny joke

Goes off heart medication

No positive for this week

When they call me tomorrow to come get the tama I ordered

I get to tell them I’m not going to be picking it up

The second time in two years that I have had to do that with something I was really looking forward to

God

The repetition is maddening

First it was the fucking hospital yay look at me it’s been a year since I went to the hospital better go

Now you’re just rubbing it in my face

Groundhog day except it’s a year

With just the tiniest changes

I can’t see anyone but the most fucked up person enjoying this

Enjoying watching the tatters of my life

Shredding in the wind

I saw myself as someone for a very short time

I don’t know how I got here

I wish people realised how much of a miracle me waking up in the morning is

How much I want to just stop

There is no hope here

Hope is that moment I catch myself imagining it better

I tell myself to stop wasting time

There’s nothing here for me but despair

And yet I continue

And I don’t want applause

Just someone else to acknowledge that my being here is not guaranteed

That I’m fighting

A losing battle

Like someone be happy to see me

Something show me that not going back to sleep this morning was the right decision