Elucidating Questions

A picture of me from long ago

I thought I’d avoided the camera, yet there it is

I have no recollection

And when I look at that child

Grade 8

Yup that’s about when things went sideways

That poor kid

They’re going to go through so much shit

I want to go into the picture and take them and hold them and tell them I’m so sorry for what’s coming

That me doesn’t know him yet

Doesn’t know he exists

Is dating a semiabusive 18 year old and having conversations an 8th grader shouldn’t be having

And shouldn’t be dating an 18 year old

That me

Is so lonely

Feels so different on the inside than on the outside

That me cries late at night

If I could only help them

Keep them far away from him

And him, and him, and him, and him

Punch my father in the face and take them far away from their life of responsibility for everything

Their dog just died this year

Or will

Mum leaves soon

It’s all so jumbled

When did she leave?

That poor kid

I don’t think they’d believe me if I told them I made it to 30

The Cat

I don’t know when he becomes me

A time before this

If I could go back I wouldn’t love him

I’d just let whatever what going to happen, happen

That 8th grader wandered the streets at night

If I was their parent I would have put padlocks on the fucking doors

Who lets their 8th grader wander the streets?

3am wanderer

Silly kid

So desperately wanting to be parented

I want to tell them that on that morning when mum yells downstairs for them to do something and they have headphones on and don’t hear

Probably getting the boys ready

And she wips a backpack at them when she comes downstairs and finds it hasn’t been done

And they walk out of the house saying they’ll catch the bus rather than further escalate the situation

And she shows up at the bus stop livid and drags them into car

Leaving nail marks that lasted hours and tiny bruises

When they tried to explain themselves and mum tried to backhand them

Nice duck, first of all

I want to tell them they were in the right in that situation

They were being expected to take a parenting role

Without being properly notified

And then tried to de-escalate a situation in the only way they knew how

Just a kid afraid of their parents

That poor fucking kid

What a life

I wish I could be the adult I am for myself as a child

That’s just a kid

What could a child possibly say to warrant that besides “I’m going to physically harm someone and enjoy it”?

Even then, that’s a kid!

No one’s coming to help

No one really cares except me

No one’s going to fight for that kid except me

But it’s too late now

And then that tilted grin

How about now?

There is no game

That’s a different Universe

I pose you only this

How?

Love, you say, as usual

You just choose the easy answers

Yeah

From this tiny place

Love, 愛

So easy to say

あいか

You can take my か from my cold dead fingers damn it

Feel my pensivity

I want to go to a place where it’s alright and I’m safe and sound with you

Mercury will you not?

Thank you, you dolt, I do have nice shoes

Do you really want me to find my voice?

Would that not be terrifying?

I’ll try

Oh they should all be very afraid

Imagine if I spoke up for myself