Elucidating Questions

My sister dying changed me

But it wasn’t a good change

It made me even less likely to trust

It isolated me further

It made me look so far forward

How I wanted those memories

And then made me want to never see those days without her

I am softer

Bursting into tears because a customer’s husband died was a first

It’s so hard to believe that I could be softer

You’d think things would harden me

Here I am

Worse for wear again

I feel like more of a burden now than ever

I wish I didn’t feel so alone

I don’t even expect anyone to come

Just make me not feel alone

Without her I have to sit through Christmas with my other sister

Who hates me

And everything I say

But I can’t not go, because I have to be there for my mum

I have to do that for her, now, more than ever

And now there’s no chance of going to the beach together

If I wasn’t here I wouldn’t have seen this hawk

He’d be telling me I’m being stupid

Get back up like always

It’s beautiful

I’d like to say that if you were alive I’d tell you but I didn’t talk to you much

None of my siblings are very communicative

They’re crying from up there

I wonder what they’re saying

I wish I could understand all things

Maybe they’re young

It would be nice if in understanding all things, things could all understand me too though

Chronically misunderstood

I miss you Mel

I don’t know what I was supposed to take from your loss

Besides loss

I wish I never had to say goodbye to anyone to anything other than old age

I lost so much when you died