Elucidating Questions

I always get so nervous

Only for nothing to change

I don’t even know what I want

Acknowledgement that I exist?

Yeah, maybe that

At this point I wouldn’t expect more

You’d think

You’d think

I’d have won the lottery by now

Recieved a little like

Yeah you exist

If I could make it more grand

Then again it is grande

Is it as simple as cutting off a letter?

Is anything simple?

The colours of my heart don’t shine

They don’t

I’d even join someone’s harem

Just to feel noticed sometimes

This me

I can’t take care of me all by myself

I wish I had been given a life where I could

I don’t even know if I’m real anymore

Just an NPC

I go to work and then cease to exist until I go to work again

Am I really just a cashier?

Just that?

Nothing else?

Not even me?

Without being known

I am nothing

To know I exist

That I’m not just some extra in everyone else’s life

I find myself imagining such a world

And then telling me off because my imaginings are never real

And if they can’t be real what is more pitiful than finding them in a daydream?

In my dreams it’s not my fault that he appears and we’re well known to eachother

Daydreams have an element of the dream, but surely I know I’m awake

Maybe

Don’t dream of him anymore

Let him fade away

I know I may never find what I’m looking for anywhere else

But the doors are closed and refuse to budge

And where ever “God” opened the window it’s somewhere so far from me

That it’s clear I was never meant to find it

When I think all of this was planned

The rage in me

How it boils

And to dangle some possibility so far ahead of me I can’t even see it

Some possibility that someone probably already took from me

And tell me to keep going

In spite of my life thus far

I don’t see it

And it’s never just for me

Every possibility taken

And then you settle me with last place and tell me not to settle with last place

It’s such a wonder I’m mad

Not

What could I be?

A cashier

Thank you for giving me this backbreaking job

I don’t know

What did I expect?

I keep thinking surely tomorrow will be different

Should I not know better by now?

You’ve strung me along for almost 7 years with this

You’re going to have to put up or shut up soon

If you told me at 15 when I took all those Tylenol that this would be waiting for me if I lived

I would have emptied the bottle and never got scared and told my father

If you’d told me at 27 when I was just not fucking dying that I’d be alone for another 7 years

I would have walked into traffic

I would have stayed with my ex until he killed me

A year of being alone, but with a monster

At some point

If there are another 200 tomorrows like this

Hundreds of nights of repeated dreams

I’d just kindly like to bow out

While I still have what’s left of me