Elucidating Questions

First thing

Pulling myself up out of this muck

I’m just barely making it

Just barely

There’s no way to stop myself from slipping ever more further backwards

I could claw the ground and I’d still slip

Treading water

Beneath the surface

Begging for a way out

How I’ve lost track of the path

Can’t even plod forward

These flash floods have me

Wishing on a light I see above that I hope is a star

If there was something someone like me could do

If there was work I could do

If I could escape this hell

Doing what I can do doesn’t seem to be enough

I can’t follow any dreams here

The pain

I can’t describe

How it claws me from the inside

Like I claw the ground

Dragging away

It’s too much

This urge to just give in

Instead I have to somehow summon the strength

Tell me where it comes from?

If I search within I am so empty

No energy

No power

Everything hurts

If this love could light

But then it would have to mean something

I wonder what a single word would have changed?

So many to choose from

Don’t trust others with your fate

But this me is so exhausted

So drained

Surely I’ve tried so hard for long enough?

If you tell me it’s just a bit further I won’t believe you

I’ve come so far

So much nothing here

So much everything everywhere

Except right here

And I am grateful for the Wind that rushes up to my knees just then

せめて

せめて

Oh and then there you are

Both of you

It’s like you know what my soul wants to say

I’m trying to get back up on my feet

But I truly believe I only have so much left in me

You get back up enough times you start thinking this is getting stupid

On repeat even

Yeah it’s just too much

Sometimes I wonder if I gave up

What would change?