Elucidating Questions

It kills me

What he must think of me

How he must feel

Imagining myself being brought up in front of hundreds to hear for my crimes

Intentions are difficult

When I have them it doesn’t seem to matter

When I don’t have them things go colourless

It’s on my mind enough

Whether one is too much

Wondering who else could possibly have him on their mind as much

Rather zero

But I don’t know how to disappear

And this

Well this was already too much

So just adding to it can’t hurt

At least that’s what I think

I wonder what he’s doing

Right this second

Somewhere

And then the Wind pulls me back

In this moment

The rain I wanted didn’t happen

I’m only hoping there’s something significant in the works

I feel very trapped

In this place where I can do nothing

But what should I do?

Throw myself into the path of the flame?

I tried that once

Metaphorically

I’d just catch fire and add to the already on fire fire

In this world that I can do nothing

And the one thing I did was just the worst thing in my life

I don’t know if there is a place for me in this world

You insist?

She really likes an odd collection, doesn’t she?

Mother

I worry what he could think

I can’t ever imagine it’s anything good

Even if I sometimes imagine us laughing suddenly

I wish I didn’t find myself in these day dreams

It’s hard to pull myself from the wreckage of “waking up” from them

I wish I had a normal life

I wish I didn’t want to get involved with things that had nothing to do with me

I have no idea how to change it

Occupy my mind with something else

I’m sitting beside this ember with a fan

Listening to all it has to say as I fan it lazily

Yes, that’s nice dear

Why does my heart burn this way?

Does everything important have to be invisible?

I wish there was a way to undo whatever curse I put on myself

I’ve said I’m sorry so many times

Yet I still can’t seem to disappear

A strange and pointless struggle

I know that

I do

Can you put up with me for a while longer?

Even trying my best I can’t seem to keep quiet

The unfortunate truth of being me