Elucidating Questions

When I feel like this there’s always a little fear

That this will be the time my body finally gives in

I find myself wondering if death is more painful than life

Living the surviving part of life

Not the living

And then I feel like this and I just

Feel hopeless

Trapped in this body that demands I do nothing

Doing nothing makes it worse

Doing too much makes it worse

Doing exactly the amount I can that doesn’t make it worse?

I haven’t found that yet

It definitely wasn’t fair that my temporary abledness ended at 20

Same could be said for any number of people though

Still kicking

Help me figure out a way to exist with minimal pain

How am I supposed to afford all these medical treatments?

Currently there’s nothing more terrifying than my bank account

Because I keep missing work

People must think I enjoy missing work at this point

I just want to exist without so much pain

I don’t expect no pain

But less?

Take these aches

These hurts

Make them into something else

It’s a struggle

To keep going when everything in your body says to stop

The more you do the louder it says stop

But it was saying stop before you even got started

If I could will myself better

Don’t you think I would have done that by now?