Elucidating Questions

I didn’t even drink

I still feel like crap

Missing one of my two days of work because I still can’t kick this Lowndes

And everything hurts

And joys feel like they’re being experienced through styrofoam

At least I know I still have the ability to make shit do what I want even if it says no

Consent is important for biologically living things

Sometimes electronics just need convincing

Give me an instruction manual and I can do just about anything

I wish humans came with one

Something to explain how to care for them properly

Something to tell me how to help them feel loved

Something to tell me how to not scare them away

No one wants to hear about the cool stuff I did today

And I didn’t really want to write anything, but I’m trying to get to 60 days straight and maybe then

Maybe I can leave the forest of creation

I want to give up

Because I reach these milestones and nothing is any different

I’m still the same person I was

I’ve taken a bit of a vacation

I haven’t had any face to face contact with people beyond my landlord and his girlfriend since a week ago

It’s not great

Not what I want

I wanted to go to work today

It’s so hard to convince this body to keep going

Like it knows as well as I do that there’s no celebration coming

No reward for the hard work

And obviously not everything needs to come with a reward

But some things

It would just be nice

Can’t say my body would be any more cooperative

I feel like I’m made of lead right now

Is there something in me that knows I can do this?

It’s hard to come up against people who don’t recognise that just because I’m not functioning normally doesn’t mean I’m not working my hardest

There have been a million hurdles

I’ve done fairly well

When you become disabled the world tries to shut you out

Makes sure that even trying to seek the minimal support is an uphill battle

Complete with mudslides

I didn’t have enough energy to be working the almost full time job I was working and out together an application for disablity income

But I did it

Being on disability income isn’t much of a prize though

I feel like I’m just being kept alive

When I lose this house it’s all over

I don’t know what I can do to make ends start meeting

And still maintain my sanity

This is a strange place

It still keeps sending me to him

Oh yah that random vape store you started ordering from online is in his favourite neighbourhood

I keep trying to explain that it can make me think of him as often as it likes that doesn’t change anything

It’s not like he has anything to make him who doesn’t know I exist think of me

Your pushing just makes me feel more alone

In this place where I’m always in the same place

Hermes I didn’t know you could throw a party for 24 hours

At least I’m surrounded by something

This space around me where the wind blows wild

It’s still comparably better than the nothing I am so terrified of

Even if I’m in so much pain

Even if the Universe insists upon the impossible

To think there was a point I believed in you so much I thought you’d come running

That anyone would