Elucidating Questions

Without these chains

Where would I go?

What would I do?

Without all these circumstances weighing me down?

Would I have bothered to publish that book?

Would it actually have grown into the trilogy I imagined?

Would I have finished university?

Would I even be in Canada anymore?

Without all these things trapping me here

With you to rub it in my face that I have nothing

Flaunting

And that I could create a thousand fold and see nothing come from it

What a sad thing

To create something from nothing and still be nothing

I would say you couldn’t even give me the one thing I wanted

But I didn’t want a thing I wanted a person and persons have free will

And their will is usually to get away from me

No, in fact, you’ve given me most things I want

It’s not like I actually want food I want to not be hungry so not getting food is just kind of

Whatever

But these things I don’t in fact need

You’ve showered me in things

Almost like a consolation prize

Sorry your one doesn’t want anything to do with you

Have some stuff

It’s my fault for picking the wrong person anyways

Besides it wasn’t supposed to be that way around

I’m lost and looking to be found

Not out here collecting collections instead of having the one thing I want

Wouldn’t love be lovely?

Have I misunderstood something?

All these stories about how great love is

All these songs

I feel excluded from them

I never even got to find out what it was like to have someone

Want me

Like actually want me and not just if it’s convenient or until I start standing up to the abuse

What it felt like for my mind to trick me into feeling wanted

Never the actual experience of it

20 years of begging for someone

1 year of thinking we found them and being oh so very sadly wrong

Hey, Universe

I’ll go back to trying to save humanity when you’ve actually found me someone

Call me selfish but I don’t much feel like saving a species that let me fall this far through the cracks anymore

When my isolation ends

Demand whatever

Sew the chaos

Fuck the timer

I’m alone and I’ve had enough of it for 7 years

Maybe it’s time to stop pouring my love endlessly into other people

Maybe it’s time to be supremely selfish and keep it all to myself until someone fucking shows me why I shouldn’t

As per usual I don’t have any interest in being anything other than decent

But I’ve been going above and beyond for this world that gives me nothing in return for too long

I never loved anyone expecting repayment or anything of the sort

But this is… This is punishment.

Another day is gone

Hermes whispers in a yell in the night

I don’t owe my love to anyone

One love for all?

None for one?

I’m not the one who’s selfish

The world demands of me

The Universe demands of me

If you want it?

Come and get it.