Elucidating Questions

I wonder if I stopped being so hard on myself

What would be left?

Is being loving enough to sustain me?

How do I love myself when everyone keeps their distance?

How do I feel worthy of love I haven’t received?

If I ask the Universe

Love is everywhere

Everything

I feel silly

Asking for more from beings who don’t want to give it

If I can find it here

Even if it’s just for a moment

Even if I’m entirely insane

Shouldn’t that be enough?

But

It’s not like any of them have objected to my quest for more

No, they seem to push me forward

In fact the only one who said I didn’t deserve love

Besides all the doctrine and they awful lyrics

Was me

And some handful of internet losers

And all the people who walked away

This hurdle is huge

If I am loving

Should I have the capacity to love myself?

But I don’t even know

What myself is

Good intentions when I’ve been told intentions are meaningless

Doesn’t that just make me meaningless?

I feel like if I’d never been influenced by Christianity or my father

Or this society

Maybe I could have loved myself

Whenever I look in the mirror I see

Someone that isn’t me

If I was attractive would I be worth their time?

Is my physical appearance really seperate from the me I can love?

My body

How do I love something that has betrayed me so?

I don’t know

What would be left if I stopped beating myself up for being me

Don’t I owe some penance for making all those people leave me?

I don’t know

The answer doesn’t come