Elucidating Questions

Why am I so nice to people?

Why am I so conscientious of other people?

Just yesterday I had a woman cut me off with my walker

So many people do that

You know who did their best to get out of my way and let me past?

A young man who had some mental and physical disorders and struggled to really walk himself.

Who had an oxygen line attached to his nose, which means breathing was difficult, so sudden movement was probably difficult too

And yesterday?

I feel like he’s the only one who saw me

I hope my smile behind my mask was visible to him

I want to do good things for good people

I want to make good people feel like they belong on this planet

Like they aren’t an outlier

But time and again my efforts have gone towards people who used and abused them

Sometimes I wonder what the point is

Being good in all directions when so many would just utilise it to their benefit

I don’t know why I do it

No interest in stopping

I just want to know why I do it

Where this came from?

Was I simply traumatised into this form?

Is there a Me underneath all this mess that just has a good heart?

Or tries to have one

Keeping all my anger in this place where no one can see it

Trying so hard to be the light

It’s not what I thought it would be