Elucidating Questions

Sometimes I think the only reason I’m alive is because I came out as non-binary

I don’t think I could live with myself if I was still pretending.

Struggling and on the edge

Constantly

But I feel less angry at myself

Most of the time

I lament, but I don’t hate myself like I once did

I at least think I deserve decency

It’s not like I have any concrete answers about who I am

I’m just pretty sure I don’t think I’m the worst person in the world anymore

I don’t think they were either

Looking back on my past

Always just desperately trying to find something good in life

All the good in my life has had a massive asterisk next to it

It’s hard to stomach

Something good that lasts

Something good that doesn’t have some great drawback attached

Who knows where I would be if I kept it all inside

I can finally wear clothing without constantly checking if it “looks right”

I don’t feel like I have to care about silly stuff like that anymore

I’m not putting on an image

I am one and I am whatever happens to be at the moment

It’s not really my fault that people can’t see me

I don’t think it is

I think that it should be expected that someone who loves massively needs massive love back

But this is a taking world

I didn’t hand out any extra discounts today

Everyone was being really just not worth it

I had been giving them out pretty freely

But people often don’t even say thank you for it

I did a couple price adjustments, but that’s about it

It’s not like I do good things so I’ll feel good

I enjoy seeing people be happy I’ve done something for them though

If they don’t care then why should I?

Boundaries

I wish I could set boundaries with the universe

At least one friend

A real, in person, we talk about stuff, friend

Because if I just had one anchor I feel like I could do this

10 years is nothing together

But alone

It is the longest thing I have ever known

I honestly don’t know how I am still here

I don’t know

I thought if I signalled I was just done with everything he’d come

Rushing

Make it an end for me regardless of Time

That smile says I am naïve

Innocent, you correct

God, if I’m innocent I can only imagine

I wish I was a far more innocent monkey than I am

So much more than I can ever imagine

I couldn’t stay locked up anymore

It’s never suited me to be the same thing as someone else

A placeholder for things that don’t have words

It’s true that since

I have been kept

I feel more comfortable in my own skin knowing my own skin doesn’t define me

That I am not something to be known with a glance

Being non-binary is me accepting that I am so much more than what my outsides tell you

And I’m visibly Queer(rainbows, trans flags, what have you) so that youngins can see that I am comfortable enough to be so

Even though I’m not

So they believe they can be one day

I never had any trans elders growing up

And it really fucked me up