Elucidating Questions

I went

Did you see me?

I went for you Mel

You would have loved it

You would have

Do you remember when I came to remember about Pride and how we were supposed to go together?

Pride hit me like a ton of bricks this year

Do you remember my immediate decision not to go ever again?

You’d think it was funny our dad talked me into it

I never thought he understood the value of it

Thank you for guiding me to the lovely family I went with

Thank you for being with me during those moments during the parade when my heart sank and I was doused in soaking grief

Thank you for reminding me gently

Get lost in it

So I gave myself to the moment

I had fun, Mel

I missed you intensely

But I was not alone for the first time in over a year

Had real conversations

I did it

For you

For me

You wouldn’t have wanted Pride to be ruined for me

It wasn’t, I saw love everywhere

No pride in genocide

Indeed

I’m glad I wasn’t allowed to forget that, even while celebrating a love that those people may well rather destroy

It’s not about that

What? Wasn’t it “all lives matter” a second ago?

Mel

These months have been hard

We rarely spoke but I was content in knowing you were nearby

But now where are you?

No flesh left

Ashes

Complexities I didn’t foresee

I even yelled a bit

We hardly talk so yelling is difficult

But we did

Losing you is like nothing I ever experienced

And I want to see you again so badly it hurts

My soul hurts

I did it, though

I walked through the scorching pain and smiled and waved at the rainbow crowd anyways

Every time I do something I feel like I never wanted to do again after you died I feel like I lose something

But I also gain something

This tiny strength

Born from courage

That no matter how much I wanted to just lay down and give up at that moment

I kept going

I both resent and love you for showing me this strength

I hope you were dancing to Born this Way

Somewhere so far away from here that all the cares you had in life were gone

Dancing freely, your entire soul