Elucidating Questions

If I live I’m being selfish

Doing nothing but taking up resources

The slim chance that my death would mean anything

Is the only real chance I can see

It’s one I have to take right?

Well, there is time

I suppose I don’t have to think of it now

Why do you insist on continue?

From that moment as well

Even though the universe was saying do it

The Universe and all the others

My would be guides for the next year

Could it have all happened by chance?

No, the Timing

I remember feeling fear when I gripped the doorknob and it wouldn’t turn

While I cried for you I was so afraid

That you would come

Pressed right up against the door

Wouldn’t it be lovely if that was real life

That you would be here without the need for it

The trouble is finding something to fill these ten years with

At this rate the depression is going to kill me first

But they’ll let it

I bet they’ll try to stop me from doing it

So intent on keeping me here in this suspended state

I do not believe we were born to suffer

But that is all I’ve really known

Knowing the last time I was beautiful enough to be noticed I was 9ish

And it wasn’t consensual

Knowing every time since then has been nothing

That I would just fade into nothing

It started

The suffering

And then it never stopped

In my wildest dreams I have enough money to buy food when I’m hungry

Oh body I wish you would just go

Just do the things this disgusting society demands of you so I could

I don’t know, suffer while complying

I don’t know

I don’t fucking know

You’re born and they begin the demands

Go to school

Do your homework

We’re going to teach you to never let anyone touch you in a bad place, but then supercede that with “don’t ever question a person of authority”

You know I

I want to go one day without there being some demand of me

I tried so hard to follow all their stupid demands that I tied myself up and away because I didn’t fit

If I’m owed nothing then I owe you nothing

そう言う事にしようか

I poured myself out and made myself such strange shapes for this place

Never again

But what am I to do?

People have to see it somehow

It comes back to me, that fact

I wanted to see him

You’d think I’d have found a way to make that happen

It’s okay if I have to die alone

But, please, is there not one human on this planet who will stand by me?

I had these dreams as a child of taking care of people

This is the only way you’ve shown me

Why do you continue