Elucidating Questions

It seems like such a waste that I was put here to struggle

And suffer

Meeting the daylight has become harder

In my dreams, even if it’s just me a thousand times, I talk to people

I have friends and people who are interested in me

Even if in my dreams I now have these moments where I panic because I don’t have my walker

Reality slipping in

Even if the dreams are unsettling

There’s still someone to talk to

And in my dreams I have plans and I go out and I do things

My dream city has better shops than the real one

And as my heart seeks Japan

I am there in my dreams and it’s just how it is

Even if I have to live with the old man and woman

Even if usually one of them dies

It’s better than waking up here

I am here

Where I’ll always be

Until someone comes to get me

Dreaming of someone to come and rescue me from this endless solitude

On the bright side I have toilet paper again

Think positive, right?

Going without things is required of me by my wonderful government who can do no wrong

Positive

It feels like they’re laughing at me when they say it

Like my hours of solitary confinement didn’t happen

Like I’m making it all up and being ridiculous

Pointing at me and telling me I’m missing some great happiness that is in my life

Like I’m blind to it

Even though I’ve been desperately searching for something to make my life worth living

Even though the last time I was going to kill myself I brought three lives into mine to force me to stay

Like I haven’t tried hard enough to stay

This is a dark place

Where I am right now

I feel like the people who would miss me only would miss me if I was gone

No one’s coming in a rush to be by my side when the darkness creeps in and the sadness is all I taste

And it doesn’t matter what I feel

There is no support running to my side

I guess I have a walker now

Maybe I just need to figure out how to buy one for my soul