Elucidating Questions

It’s funny

I understand Jesus

The only way to possibly make my website famous is to die and for it to be public

The only way any of my words are going to get out is if I die with a bang

Otherwise I’ll always be invisible and no one will come looking for answers why

I knew it

That day

That I had to kill myself

But I didn’t do it

And look at these horrors

Unless I die no one will read anything I write

It won’t become well known unless I die

I know I’ve been in overtime

At least before I went I wanted to

Just once

Set my gaze on the person I love most

I know that no matter how I struggle I have to give in eventually or no one will ever notice I was here

Isn’t that sick?

So let me have my 10 years

17 years overtime

Let me have it and torture me as you will so it will make a bigger story for everyone to see after I’m gone

3000 times I begged this world to be better for me

I tried so hard for this place

I really thought I was being a good and useful citizen

But now all I am is a bug to be squished

Just put me through my torture and let me go

I’m scared

But the prospect of there being someone on the other side waiting for me

Who actually wants me

Who doesn’t think of things as owing and not owing

And knowing that the only way I’ll ever make a difference is if I die

I know

Somehow I’ve always known