Elucidating Questions

One second I’m doing one thing

And then I’m doing something else

And I don’t know how I got from activity one to two

Or I’ll be outside vaping and realise I have no recollection of getting up and coming outside

I’m just there

And I’m genuinely afraid I’m losing myself in this silence

A butterfly floats by

How do they live so solitary?

I need a family

Like not my blood family

I love them, they love me

I need a family that can help me

That would

My mum, bless her, honestly, is not the person I should be counting on and yet here we are again

Just wishing for someones to come along and help

But again we come to the part where what exactly would I bring to any relationship?

I’m suffering and as far as I can tell humans hate suffering

But in an “I’m going to look the other direction with my fingers in my ears and hope someone else cleans it up for me”

Kind of way

They always tell me to go fix myself elsewhere

And, yes, at the centre of it all I have to be the one that wants to live

But am I not begging to live?

Begging for my life?

Begging to be someone to somebody?

They say you have to save yourself and then they leave

Okay I fucking did that

I’m here

I want to be here

And yet no one comes so I am to assume I have what I need

Dismay, Universe

Rejection

For someone with rejection dysphoria

I gotta tell you feeling rejected by the entire Universe is probably what set me off in the first place

I know you only meddle

But then they’re meddling

And he’s meddling

And I’m caught between you all

I don’t know if I will ever really understand

Maybe I can’t?

One

One really good friend who just walks in who I can talk to and go hang out with some times

Someone who doesn’t take pieces out of me with every visit and then turn around a decade later and talk about their trauma caused by “friends” vagueness no it’s definitely not you but you know, “friends”

While never listening to mine

In fact I don’t want anyone who takes pieces out of me to be in my life for a decade

At my core I, despite hating this life, believe it is precious

My time matters

I may not be any special thing

But at the very least I want people who take from me to be temporary and people who I can truly grow with to stay

I don’t want to disappear before I even die because my brain eats itself alive in the silence

A dragonfly

And a wasp eating the wood on the shed again

Something of substance

All you ever offer me are fleeting moments or torment

Or fleeting moments of torment

To live

Oh, to live

I would become a different person

It’s so hard to see the numbers tick closer to 3000

Realising I’m no better off now

Worse if anything

I had abandonment issues and then everyone just walked away

I was willing to take almost anything

They weren’t

I put up with a lot

I just wish people noticed

I don’t want a trophy

I want reciprocation

Doing to others as you want to be treated doesn’t work

And, no, I haven’t been perfect

But I always tried to act with good intentions

And now I’m disappearing

And no one cares