Elucidating Questions

I made a mistake with my heart medication yesterday

And now I just feel lousy

I wish there was someone here with me

It’s so tempting to just sleep

So tempting

Heart going a thousand miles a minute

I am in all sorts of pain

Nothing is going right

Or wrong

Just nothing

I don’t know why my options are wrong or nothing

Every time I gain something I lose something else

Like I’m only allowed to have so much in my life at a time

And I’ll gain something stupid like oh I got the disability tax credit

Oh now your sister is dead

Oh I got a tamagotchi because I am going insane

Oh now Onyx is dead

And it’s been like that forever

Why?

I could be making up patterns but that’s always how it seems to go

I just have to feel lousy all the time

Again if I chose this life I must be a really twisted individual

Even I don’t hate myself enough to do this to me

Can’t have anything

If something goes right something must go wrong immediately after

They say no pain no gain

I am in agony all the time where is the gain?

I want to see you

The you who is in my dreams

In my waking hours

I am so lonely here and drowning in nothingness

Scared for my life

Being only this

I wish I could will you into being

I wish I could will people who care for me into being