Elucidating Questions

Really, no one will care if I sleep away my life

No one will miss me

If I actually died it would be weeks before anyone noticed

Rather

They seem to think that’s fine

My mum doesn’t care if I don’t wake up

No one else does either

I don’t know why I bothered getting out of bed for so long

My dreams on repeat are still better than being awake in reality

I’ll pack a thousand unpackable rooms

I’ll wait hours for hard drugs that aren’t coming with my abusive ex

I’ll spend days lost in a subway system

Not even my dreams are worth living for

I remember when I tried to kill myself as a birthday present for my sister

Yup it’s fucked up

What’s more fucked up is that it was my fault

And not my sister’s for putting me in that space

But to die now

I would merely fade away into nothing

Haha

He said he’d softly pull away but he can’t and I’m the one who’s going to disappear unheard unseen

Reaching out to nothing

Over and over again

They say if you reach out someone will be there

But I’ve been to this edge before so many times

No one is there

And I want to jump so badly

I feel like people would rather kill me than deal with me

Like if I was dead I’d be doing the universe a favour.