Elucidating Questions

Oh this fear of death

With this grip of terror

I know this reminder is my mind telling me it feels unfulfilled

Why else would it remind me

Again and again

And I don’t know what comes after

I’ve whispered to dying piggies that he will be good to them

He

Death

Ferryman

Collector

Guide

In my dreams he is a man I run through reoccurring nightmares to see

Yes, yes

Packing

And being late

And terrifying car rides

And buses

And conventions

And hotels

And trains

But he

I finally reach him and I feel like I’m home

I feel like I’m safe

Well

As in well

Good

No fear

No pain

Mystery being

I’ve no way of knowing if this him and the Ferryman him are actually the same

I don’t know where he comes from or why I go to him

This is just the connection my mind has made

He’s always some great being

Some godlike person I’m always searching for

You

Saturn

Him

I don’t fear you

I fear the process of getting to you

I fear that this has all been some sick thing my relationship starved brain came up with to keep me placated with having nothing

That we end with nothing

But

But when I ask the Universe

They remind me how many many impossible possibilities are contained within just this space

Our space

Sol and family

I say

Ah that’s right

I’m breathing the air that just so happens to be breathable

Because I just so happened to happen

And life just so happened to happen

Sol just so happened to happen

I then ask the Universe what death is like

They do not know

Only the results

The death of the cell

And the cells of the cell

That is why there must be some spirit that understands death

Or not

It seems to make sense to me

Our deaths

Life being different in ways we can’t imagine

Death must be similarly beyond my comprehension

Whenever I ask if I need be afraid

They always say no

Dear Death

If we meet tonight

Remind me to thank you for being my one hug almost every day for the past 7 years

Mystery man

Dream man

Perhaps my brain being unable up handle that I am unlovable

Regardless

My only friends being my own brain and the Sun

At least I’m not a pretty face with no substance

Or something

I’ll try to be less afraid of you