Elucidating Questions

My father

I noticed he never spoke about his childhood right around when we were in England and he was showing us places he’d been as a young adult

His sister always seemed good, caring, kind

I know his father was a Baptist minister

Perhaps that should have told me

Maybe when I think about going back in time and sheltering myself from him

Maybe I should think of going back to his childhood and sheltering him from whatever spat him out

Part of me is afraid of him even as a child

He left me with so much shit to unlearn and rethink

So much hurt to nurse back to health

When my mum said on Easter something was wrong

As I sat in the garage waiting the news

I hoped he’d died

But it was my sister

Rather him dying would be the best bad news perhaps

Or something

I don’t think I’ll be free of him if he passes away

And it’s not that I want him dead

Though I’d probably trade him for my sister if I could

I just want to be finally free of all this shit

How am I supposed to know what to do with money when my parent during my teens was always poor

Yet always spending money?

He definitely helped teach me joy is in the dollar

I try to get through things just hoping

That’s not what he taught me to do

He taught me not to trust the universe

Not to trust my spirit guides

I think he was wrong

I think we all are

The Universe is love

And they are like a weary mother watching their children suffering yet unable to fix it

There’s a mutuality in it

I must set one foot ahead of the other

They provide the path

I can make mistakes?

I hadn’t even considered that an option

Look father

I can make mistakes and the universe is still here and willing to have me

A momentary thank you to all the mothers in my Universe

Universe included

That tit has a stick

Thank you for letting me have what I needed