Elucidating Questions

I wonder if I’ve been intellectually gaslighting myself?

As soon as someone contradicts my point in person I almost certainly abandon it

Because I can’t be right

And I can’t be right because I’m stupid and everyone else has it more figured out than me

Right?

The amount of times it turns out I was right

I don’t know if I can confidently know better than others

It’s that whole self thing

I can’t be better than other people

I just can’t

There are a few things I won’t abandon when it’s safe

I know I have a privilege of being safe

But I can’t defend myself even in the loosest terms

And I’m always afraid it’ll escalate

Like I couldn’t tell my landlord it was only because of privilege that he, a white man, can blast music with the N word blaring in the middle of the neighborhood

Because I need a house

And I couldn’t tell the man who was telling me that COVID vaccines would kill me

That they saved me

Because I was alone in his taxi

I never have my moment to take a stand and I’d never stand for myself

Who even am I?

Rumpelstiltskin without the magic from that totally not Disney but it was Disney Once Upon a Time

Nice

But plain

Probably

Nothing special

I can’t be special

It’s not possible