Elucidating Questions

I miss you

You were selfish and oblivious of the harms you caused other people right up to the last act

But you were my sister, if not by blood

I had so many issues with you unspoken

I never let that get in the way of treating you fairly

And I am glad because now the only regret I’m left with is not being all knowing and stopping it

What were you doing?

Were you like me and trying to numb the pain of existence only to have it numb you out of existence entirely?

You were supposed to live and I was supposed to tell you how mad I am at you for doing something so stupid

But you didn’t and I’m so mad at you

And so broken up about the fact that you’re gone

And these emotions are so complex I cannot even voice them

It doesn’t feel fair to say rest in peace when your daughters are left in the wake of your Grand Mistake

More like how dare you rest when they are but a kindergartener and a budding confused teen?

How much more damage did you want to do to your daughters?

You’re so fucking selfish

I miss you

How could you

I would say how could I but once more I am left behind by someone who had more worth in this world than I do

And how do I express this loss, this anger, this bewilderment?

It may as well have been suicide

I can blame your piece of shit boyfriend all I want but you made the choice

Just like I did

Why am I here?

They’d want her over me

Why did I live but she didn’t?

Why did I get to overdose and walk away

Over and over again

Even when I overdosed on fucking crack

But she didn’t?

We always think we have more time with our loved ones

I would like to put forward that others act like me just in this

That no matter what you’re holding in your heart against another person, unless you’re willing to talk about it, you still treat them with kindness

Because we have no control over others

And they will go without warning