Elucidating Questions

Do you ever get those little messages from the universe and wonder what they mean?

I don’t even remember what I did

But I said I was proud of myself

I remember however, very vividly, the arm slung over my shoulder and the pitying look

You can’t be proud of yourself

My dad told me

Only other people can be proud of you

Many years ago

I went to this coffee shop and met this woman who was handing out decorated paper strips on the other side was a reminder, a statement, a word of encouragement

We picked from her hand

Mine said Be Creative

It’s lived in my bag ever since

A tiny reminder of what is inside of me

I never saw her again until today

Today my strip said

I am proud of myself

And I looked at it

Tried not to laugh

And thanked her

Universe your messages are queerer than me

I get it

It’s one of those lessons I haven’t unlearnt

But no one ever gives me a manual of unlearning

I never know where to start

I don’t know how to show myself that love

All those things that talk about the inner child

I can’t face mine

I’ve been abusing myself for decades

How do I look into the eyes of myself and explain why?

It’s just another lesson I shouldn’t have heard

From someone who was supposed to teach me how to love myself

Instead he did this

And I am the result

Can I even be proud of myself?

I can’t imagine loving myself

Until someone gives me permission

Just like with everything else in my life

Universe, you tell me, tell me I’m allowed

I guess you just did

Let me think on it