Elucidating Questions

I’m paralysed

By fear

Every time a stranger says something to me I rush to finish the interaction

Frozen by the fear of expectations I have never met

It’s just another meet and part

There was a nice lady on the bus who complimented my handmade cardigan and I laughed and said thank you and then ended the conversation

Full on I’m not engaging body language

It wasn’t until another person who I knew from the bus, another person I initially froze out, started the conversation that I had tried to end

That I joined in

Like there has to be an excuse for me to connect

It’s the fear of failure

The fear of getting used to having someone around

Again

And then just being alone

Again

People who say things like

I’m not going anywhere

And then just like that they’re gone

And again I know I did something to cause it

But I don’t know what because they always keep these shopping lists instead of saying what they’re actually upset about

So I have this ginormous list of transgressions

Of which I have none for them

This master list of all I’ve done wrong regardless of my intentions

Things don’t go right for me

You’d think people who know me would know I only try to do what I can to make things better

Sometimes for me

Usually for everyone else

And the sometimes for me should be fine because I suffer so damn much all the time

Right?

Someone would undoubtedly say

Just stop suffering

I wish it was that easy

To just not be sick

Or poor

Or depressed

Or anxious

I wish I could just will my cognition back

Maybe if I stopped doing things for me then I wouldn’t lose people

But the potential for a new relationship terrifies me

So many new possibilities for failure