Elucidating Questions

The thought of dying fills me at once with cold terror

The unknown

The absolute unknown

And every study done just scares me more

You’ll know you’re dying

You’ll realise some new level of consciousness

And not knowing

What happens when that consciousness is gone

It was nicer when I half believed that when I died I’d be reunited with the man I always dream of

The man who is both a god and a spirit

But that’s fantastic

Too good to be true

Wouldn’t it be lovely

If the great mystery of my life were solved at its conclusion?

And that the answer to my loneliness was that there was a great spirit waiting for me?

Leaving aside how cruel it would be to make me live my entire life alone

I’m assuming some eternity would stretch out for us in the afterlife

Which would eclipse the life

But I’m also afraid of this life ending

No more knowing

A new place to figure out

And I’m desperately clinging to there being a something after this because

Nothing

Is my greatest fear

Call me the Childlike Empress

The nothing is my greatest fear

The only problem is Bastian isn’t coming to save me

And Atreyu and his horse never happened

Truly

I don’t know how people don’t talk about this

Do other people just live in willful ignorance that they’re going to die?

I suppose swaths of them think their make believe best friend sky daddy loves them for killing his garden and they’re going to heaven for it

Just armies of people who think that the Universe who we either exist within and observe

Or who we are the literal personification of, seeing ourselves

Will love them for killing the Earth

Yeah ok

That seems totally likely

We’re probably actually stuck in some repetition where the universe expands and collapses and every time it expands the Earth happens again and we get another chance and we can’t fucking figure out how to get it right so the Earth ends again and rinse repeat

And during our several many billion years in between we’re in some purgatory looking back at ourselves like WTF MAN? AGAIN??

But, like, pretty much anything except nothing

Anything but whatever it feels like for me to not exist

I’d even take reincarnation even though the thought of it makes me understand why babies cry at birth.

I don’t want to die

Chester, are you proud of me?

I went from suicidal most of the time to terrified of dying

You’re probably chuckling about it too