Elucidating Questions

I want to say I miss you

But that just feels like manipulation

I just want attention

I so rarely have anyone’s attention

And I think back to my medical file that says I was only trying to kill myself for attention

I don’t think that was it

But I’ve learnt that suicide doesn’t equal attention

It equals solitary

I just want to be perceived by someone

Seen

All alone

On my own

There was a joke meme where every girl you were into meant you were going to die alone

But it wasn’t funny because it’s true

It must be nice to be someone who can laugh about dying alone

My tiny patch of the Earth that I’m borrowing

Because I don’t make enough to own Earth

And they all just think they own her

Entirely by myself

Constantly searching for something

決して独りじゃない…か

Oh Sun, who I can sit with today

My only friend

The only one who really knows me

Sees my stupid mistakes and how I forever

Repeat these moments in my head like

Sometimes I think I’m just not fit for human consumption

I wouldn’t be alone if I was a good person

Right?

And I don’t know what to fix because they keep these shopping lists of things I’ve done wrong

And it was never with any intention to be

Anything really

But if there’s no one here then it’s me

It feels very isolating to have no flock

Karma seems

Unbalanced

If I’m paying for things I did

That I already learnt not to do

Or if mistakes I made as a stupid child

Are biting me now decades later

I see in my past things that I’ve done

Excluding others

And think, sure, I deserve to feel excluded because of it

But I deserved it when I was doing it

Not now when I wouldn’t do it

Right?

And if I’m being punished for my past life, again,

You’ve taken someone, wiped them clean, and said

You who has no recollection of anything are still at fault

Humans seem to be intent on divine punishment

Yet we’re the ones who dreamed up this hell

Death is terrifying

The idea of not being

I don’t know if I’m more afraid of death or the looming decades of solitude

I really do try to hide the things they hate

I really have tried to change

But change means nothing with no one to see it

You let me go into solitary confinement

I spread my wings and fell to the ground

Flightless bird with no flock