Elucidating Questions

What advice would you give to your teenage self?

Get out of that house

Go

Forget about your siblings

They’re going to forget about you anyways

Get away from that man

The ministry of family and children think it’s not abuse

The years of  grappling with PSTD tell a different story

If you’d just live for you

Instead of other people

They’re not going to do anything for you

Other people

And if you’re going to go through this hell of a disease

Not having a complete psychotic break when it starts up would be optimal

You can trust people

But you can’t believe in them

Because you can also trust them to drop you like a load they no longer want to carry and leave

You’re always so worried about being a burden

Yet these people will drop any weights they don’t feel like carrying

I wish you were more of a burden

I wish you spoke the words locked deep in your heart

I wish you’d met elder trans people to help you realise not fitting didn’t mean you had to try harder to fit

In roles you were not shaped for

You have so many half loves

You think these loves are your everything forever

Down the road I can tell you I still think of them

With both pain and hope they are doing well

I’m sorry you experience love so late and that it’s one sided and that everything goes away at once and you’re left all alone in a park for hours a day wondering

Not that that happens until your twenties

But if I could take that away from you I would

I’m sorry that everything you’re afraid of is about to happen to you

When the Queen of Hearts calls don’t answer

Once she’s done with you you’re out

It’s not worth the time

I don’t know why we’re alive

And if that overdose hadn’t scared the shit out of me

I probably wouldn’t be

It’s a toss up as to whether all those failed attempts as a teenager and then as an adult were a blessing or a curse

Or whether it actually worked and I’m just in hell

Chin up

The worst is yet to come