Elucidating Questions

I wonder how you’re doing

If you’re still alive

It’s almost your birthday

My email reminded me

I used to call you mum

I don’t think I was ever worthy of calling you that

Everyone else was calling you that

And I wanted to be included

Even when it became nature to me

I didn’t see how you were so much better than I was

Curse of the upbringing?

I’ve never not been desperate

Desperate for something

Something I know I’m not worthy of

Anything

It’s almost your birthday

What does that mean to me now, email?

Memories of being the odd one out in the room over and over and over

I don’t think I ever belonged

I don’t know what the Queen of Hearts wanted but when I didn’t supply it anymore it was done

Over

Deleted from the family that swore it picked me

Off with their head

I don’t think I’m any better now than then

Oh, besides the life of solitude, I (afraid all my life of being alone) absolutely haven’t changed.

Just as unworthy then as I am now

Unaware of it before, perhaps aware now

Am I better because of it?

I don’t know

Happy birthday