Elucidating Questions

Sometimes I feel like a god

The god of pain

Like pain lives within me

Like it’s all I embody

Cursed, put on this world to barely tread water

Get lost in society’s illusions of paradise

Disillusioned and disenchanted, lost in the realization

That I’m here as pain allows, or I can’t engage with the world

Someone told me to turn it off

I wish I could turn off my heart thundering in my chest just from standing

Dizzy from the roar

Am I truly here just to hurt?

A younger, more hopeful, me dreamt so strongly of a better world for us that they went crazy

And in my bewilderment of the world I am barely holding on to the thin line of sanity I possess

I knew second hand that living with disability was crippling in every aspect

But living it is another thing

Truly a god of pain and nothing else

With that little bit of chaos sprinkled in

I wish I knew why I have to live like this

What I did wrong to deserve this pain

Why I have no energy

Why my heart races

Why, even though I barely eat, I’m over 200 pounds

So many things wrong with me and I can’t even make it better by exercising because if I do I crash

And no one takes that seriously

The crash

Oh what to do this helpless god of pain

Such endless suffering