Elucidating Questions

Living the in-between

Wanting to go to work because it’s fun,

Wanting to stay home forever because it’s agony

I don’t know how to walk this line

I’d like to go back to feeling okay

I’m just feeling crappy all the time

Sleep doesn’t help

Rest doesn’t help

If there was something to help I would have figured it out by now

Yes, dear able-bodied person suggesting exercise to me for the thousandth time,

I tried that too

Once upon a time I had this cute little thought like

It could get better

If I could go back in time and stop myself from constantly trying to do more because it could get better

And watching one year become five become ten

Become twelve years later and a worse diagnosis

Constantly pushing myself beyond my threshold

Only to have my body come back down on me ten thousand fold

I wish I could give it what it wants

Wish I could trade bank accounts with a millionaire and take care of myself properly and give back to people who need it

I’m not made for this world

I don’t belong here

Too disabled, too trans, too queer

But I’m fighting anyways

I wish I didn’t have to fight

Why should people have to fight?