Elucidating Questions

My mind is alive today with things to say

But yesterday it was trying to tell me to fade away

In the worst way

In an

All suffering is caused by you being alive

So you should die

And my psychosis

Was thinking I was about to

All the evening trying to talk through a maze of terrible reasons

Why I should not be there

Here

So today I want to be here

Aware, awake

I am here on Earth with 7 billion functioning humans and untold other critters wandering about

I am not a choice to end it

I keep having to remind myself I am nothing but an unremarkable human and I have no idea why my mind thinks otherwise

How cruel it would be if all suffering actually lay on my shoulders

What a terrible thing to think

And I don’t know why

My suicidal thoughts have turned to monsters since I last saw them in the dark

I’m going to have to upgrade my weapons systems

I won’t lose

Suicide is not stronger than me