Elucidating Questions

I wonder what the reason is

That I don’t have many friends

I’ve never had many friends

I have these fleeting people

Many fleeting people

I’ve had one friend for many years

Then three friends for a few years

Then one friend for a bit

I miss my friends from Japan

I wish that distance didn’t make those relationships so…distant

I always wonder if my Japanese self is actually more desirable than my Canadian self but

It could just be this disgusting pervasive whiteness that follows me around

My insides are so different from my outsides

So different that the insides are swallowed up as the outside operates.

This is not in a

I hate the world and all the people and I’m just pretending to me nice

Way

But in a

I force myself to be happy here to spite whatever put me in this glitchy human suit.

There’s a smile on my face but I am in a world of pain

I look like I’m doing just fine walking down the street when every movement is incapsulated by how much pain I’m in

Way

I don’t think showing my insides would make me any more desirable

Wantable

Needable

Do these other humans surrounded in humans have something I’m missing?

What am I doing wrong?

Besides greed and selfishness and whatever happened with my friend from highschool

And I’m not the greedy one

I cannot judge myself on selfishness

Where am I slipping behind everyone else

Why am I so alone?