Elucidating Questions

I love my mother

And I did not show her that often enough growing up

I regret my childish selfish brain that didn’t recognise how difficult it must have been to be my mother

Wildly independent

Always slightly crazy

Almost always at full tilt

And my mother was not the perfect mother

But I’ve come to learn there is no such thing and she kept me fed, and I had a warm bed to sleep in

That’s more than many, too many, get

I wasn’t cruel to her except in my teen years when my father indoctrinated me into thinking she was abandoning us and planning to steal my brothers and move to Texas

Sounds so incredibly wild and improbable now but I was young, and scared

But I wish I had loved her more

Made her feel loved and important and integral

Like she is

And I want to tell her now every day how important she is and how much I love her but you see this anxiety

Settle with a fleeting I love you

I wish I wasn’t such a burden to her

I wish I could tell her all the times I forgive and all the times I understand and all the times I should have loved her more

But our past is so dark and I don’t want to drag her back there

She is so beautiful in the present so serene and lovely

I believe we both weren’t the people we were meant to be under my father’s thumb

I wish I could tell her

She may be the most beautiful woman I have ever seen