Elucidating Questions

I’m not sure what changed in me

But I am terrified of death

Just the concept of not being me or whatever happens after

Just the overness of it

I’d rather endure an endless life with chronic pain than one with an end

But it eventually has to end doesn’t it?

Eventually there’s no humanity

Eventually there’s no Earth

Eventually there’s no sun, no stars, no inbetween

I’m so afraid of what’s next

I’m so afraid there’s nothing

I can’t find any proof of anything other than my own insanity battering me

I wish I could be freed from this fear but to be is to one day be ended

Except perhaps black holes

God damn black holes

Perhaps life continues

I have felt spirits

But I don’t know that I have

Right?

I wish I could just live forever

Wish myself into an alternate reality where beings don’t end

Stop worrying so much about what is inevitable and instead just enjoy myself

If my mind could leave me alone and let me rest

Why does it wonder these things to me when I’m trying to rest?

I wish I had an answer I couldn’t deny

Just wish I wasn’t having to remind myself everything is okay while my body creates reasons to have a panic attack

One of my favourite movies as a child was Never Ending Story

But nothing scares me like nothing

The two things that scare me the most are nothing and black holes

The absence of matter and an excess of matter

I want to go to a place where I can be happy with everyone I’ve ever loved that has ever loved me together.

But as far as I understand it

First there is nothing, and then there is everything, and then there is nothing again

This universe is so beautiful and so cruel

I’m writing through the panic to try to find a meaning but

I wish that someone was near to take me from my mind for a second

Rodents are great but they can’t reaffirm that everything is okay

I wish I could stop looking for an answer

Just be content with here and now

I’m so young but my body feels so old and I am so scared

That after all this pain

All this suffering all this bullshit all this being nice to people only to have them throw it back in my face all this insanity

That that’s it

In these moments that my mind tries to shake me to pieces

All this me held together by tape and string

I need someone to hold me together

But there’s never anyone there.

If there is a god

Any god listening

Please let me find someone who can hold all these broken parts together

I’d hold them together too if they wanted

Take a deep breath

Right now we are safe

Let’s be grateful