Elucidating Questions

Someone said something to me today

Something along the lines of

God only burdens his toughest soldiers

Or something

Which made me think

God is a bully

Which made me think

Well I must be really fucking tough

But doesn’t that seem cruel?

I’m gonna fuck with you

Your body, your mind, your spirit, your life

Because you’re tough

I suppose then he isn’t that tough

White rich boy sitting in his privilege palace with his hounds and his lady

But that’s quantifying difficulty and

Can you really quantify difficulty?

Okay, granted, a lot of people in my position would kill themselves… Possibly others?

I definitely tried

That is to kill myself, not others

I’m about as volitile as a bowl of water

In a cup

On a shelf

Yes there is a bowl in the cup on the shelf follow along here people

Just saying that people have quit far less difficult lives than mine

I wonder whether we all live the same life of difficulty but through our own lenses

Eyes on Donald Trump and Kim Jong Il

Nevermind

So do I sit here sitting on this hill of chronic illness and mental illness and ugliness(because it’s so bad it might as well be a disability)

Point down at all of them and go

My life’s harder

Do I shut up and just take it?

If there was a god

Whomever

Jimmy probably

Do I just take it?

Because I kinda wanna speak to your manager?

About this bullying?

Sigh

I’ve been so unwell I can’t take care of myself

But I’ll get through it

If life is some kind of twisted fucking stress test

Do I take pride in how much stronger I am than everyone else?

Here’s some things you probably haven’t experienced

Being unable to walk from one room to the next

An entire psychotic break that lasted a year that you then recovered from almost completely except the lingering reoccuring psychotic thought that the universe (as in not people but the actual universe) is coming for you

Being smothered by someone who was supposed to love you

Your father telling you that everyone you love is actually using you and will someday leave

Your supposed best friend telling you you’re “too depressed” and need to move out

Someone who claimed they were your mother (or at least motherlike towards you) choosing biology over you

But these are my things

Every one has things

Am I rambling?

I could write an entire handful of poems about how much I hate this fucking WordPress app for writing

One line, stop and wait, one line, stop and wait

Buggy as shit

If god is putting me through this because I can handle it because

Fuck you god this is annoying

I just wish I had a reason for all of my suffering

I don’t want to look at other peoples’ lives and feel jealous

I wish I didn’t need to be in pain